A series of standalone romances
Sentient Object Adventures
One human. One object that has suddenly, inconveniently, gloriously come alive. A different pairing in every book – and absolutely no sensible use of machinery.
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1 Self-checkout machine
Scanned and Stuffed
Taken by the Horny Self-Checkout Machine
One lightning strike. One horny checkout machine. One very long night shift.
Ruby just wanted to go home – but TartanMart’s self-service machine had other plans. Now it’s alive, seductive and ready to bag more than just groceries.
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2 MRI machine
Taken by the Horny MRI Machine
She hates MRI scanners. This one wants her.
Liz has always hated MRI scans – the claustrophobic space, the noise, the loss of control. After a panic attack during her last appointment, she’s dreading stepping back into the radiology ward… until this time, something feels different.
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3 Sailboat
Hard Aboard
Taken by the Horny Sailboat
Climb aboard. Surrender to the ship.
Amanda grew up sailing her boat Kelpie along the Scottish coast. She knows every knot, every line and every creak of his deck. What she doesn’t expect is the voice in her head – low, certain and watching her far too closely.
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4 Football
Ball Ache
Taken by the Horny Football
One filthy football. Eleven extremely supportive teammates. One World Cup nobody saw coming.
His name is Number Ten. He has a sexy Scottish accent, a filthy mouth, and a proposition: Scotland’s first ever World Cup final is tomorrow, and the only way we win is if I take him to bed tonight.
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5 Washing machine
Tumbled
Taken by the Horny Washing Machine
One lonely washer-dryer. One exhausted woman with a dirty duvet. One laundrette lock-in with extra rinse.
After the worst day of her life, Mara just wants clean bedding. Her ex took the sofa, the microwave, her favourite mug and, because apparently there is no bottom to male audacity, the washing machine. Then her cat peed on the only duvet cover she had left.
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6 Cardboard box
Special Delivery
Taken by the Horny Cardboard Box
Some deliveries come with tracking. This one comes with feelings.
The box turns up outside Catherine’s flat, unaddressed and enormous. Inside is an expensive pink rabbit and a label bearing one word: Enjoy.
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7 Wicker basket
Basket Case
Taken by the Horny Wicker Basket
Kathleen MacRae wanted to reconnect with her roots. She did not expect them to tie her to the bed.
Burned out by teaching and city life, Kathleen returns to her grandmother’s Highland village to spend a week in the family cottage. Waiting for her is an old wicker basket with a promise that it will bring her joy.
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8 Pumpkin spice latte
Tall, Dark & Spicy
Taken by the Horny Pumpkin Spice Latte
She’s spent all autumn serving pumpkin spice. Now pumpkin spice wants to serve her.
Sophie is sick of pumpkin spice. After making hundreds of the bloody things, she still doesn’t understand the obsession. Then one careless wish beneath the harvest moon brings an abandoned PSL to life.
Binge them · Box set
Volume 1: Books 1–3
Three sentient objects. Three women who’re about to have the time of their lives. One box set that will ruin your weekly shop forever.
Get the box setThe guide
Sentient object romance, explained
What is sentient object romance?
Sentient object romance (sometimes called objectum romance or inanimate object erotica) is a corner of monster romance where the love interest is an everyday object that has come alive – a machine, an appliance, a piece of furniture, even a drink. The object has its own personality, desires and, usually, some very creative anatomy.
Are these books funny or serious?
Both at once. The premise is absurd and the jokes are constant, but the heat is real and the objects get a sincere romantic arc. Expect to laugh out loud and clench your thighs, sometimes in the same paragraph.
Do I need to read them in order?
No. Every Sentient Object Adventure features a different human and object pairing and can be read as a standalone. Start with whichever object you’re most curious about.
How spicy are they?
Very. These are explicit, on-page erotic stories for adults (18+), with kinks ranging from bondage and praise to tentacles and things involving loyalty cards. Each book page lists what’s inside so you know exactly what you’re getting.
How long are the books?
They’re short, punchy reads – perfect for one sitting. If you want several at once, Volume 1 collects the first three in one box set.
Can I read them in Kindle Unlimited?
Yes. The ebooks are exclusive to Amazon and free to read with Kindle Unlimited. Most are also available as audiobooks on Spotify, Kobo and Google Play, and some in paperback.
Who else writes books like this?
If you enjoy Vera Valentine’s sentient object stories or quirky monster romance, you’re in the right place. Philomena’s versions come with a Scottish accent, British spelling and a lot of puns.
Never miss a new object
Follow Philomena on BookBub to get an email the moment a new Sentient Object Adventure is released. No spam. Possibly puns.